It's crackers

The rumour mill tells me that when loveable PR rogue Chris Lewis used to do interviews (before he became too important), his favourite question was; 'if you were a biscuit, what would you be - and why?'

Now, clearly, on being asked this, most candidates would decide that the interview had turned out to be a complete waste of time, and seek alternative employment forthwith. The right and proper response is obviously; "A biscuit? A fucking biscuit? Not only have I trekked all the way across town to your not-very-conveniently located offices for this, I actually spent time preparing for the interview. I can tell you how I'd increase my clients' sales ten-fold through the power of PR. I can tell you how I influence the media with my razor sharp written pitches. But a biscuit? Chris, you lazy sod, think of some proper questions or stop wasting my time."

But Chris, if you're interested (and I bet you are), this PR person has put some time and effort (but not much, admittedly) into answering your question. Please find below, Chris, a guide to potential employees based on biscuit related analogies. Chris, me old mucker - the job's mine. Isn't it? Chris? Chriiiiis?

PR By Biscuit

Pink Wafer - Likely to champion an HR initiative. Avoid.
Jammy Dodger - Bit of a rum un. More slimey than persuasive. An excellent choice.
Any cookie - Liable to be interested in 'brain storming' and 'bluesky thinking'. Worst fear: boxes. Particularly being inside them.
Hob Nob - Excellent at networking (see what I did there?)
Malted Milk - Not much going on, personality wise.
A twix - Ideas above their station. It's a chocolate bar, not a bloody biscuit.