Pubic Relations..

Is by far my favourite PR-related typo. "My fifteen year tenure at Big Bollocks PR has helped me to become a well respected pubic relations expert" a consultant may write to a potential client. Laughter ensues. Follwed, probably, by a three month project contract and talk of 'delivering on promises'.

In fact, I think that the typo isn't in fact a typo at all. More likely, it's one of those Freudian slip thingys (oh for a job in communications), which bears a direct reference to the fact that PR people are notorious for shagging everything in sight.

The so-much-porn-so-little-time web has verified my theory. An IT website has posted the following statistics:

-- One third of Brits have had a noncommittal "toss" with a fellow worker and the majority of managers consider the practice "perfectly acceptable".
-- Eighty-three percent of senior management have no objections to inter-staff nookie, and 53 percent said they'd indulge in it a bit themselves (even if it were with a junior colleague).
-- Forty-three percent admitted they'd fancied someone at work but were unsure about what to do about it.
-- In addition to the aforementioned 33 percent who've enjoyed a brief encounter with a fellow worker, 29 percent have formed long-term relationships with someone from work.
-- Twenty-eight percent of those polled said they'd indulged in e-flirting.
-- And with regard to good, old-fashioned sexual fantasizing, 44 percent confessed up to daydreaming about poking a colleague.

All of this leaves little time for actual work (none of the above constitutes work for those who wondered). So, clients, next time your PR exec doesn't answer the phone, deliver a report or get your news into the FT -- you know why.

Crappy Consultancy

PRs who choose to work at PR agencies tend to do so because they have an ego so large that it takes more than one company to support it. The PR ego is such a well known phenomenon that a new word has been coined to describe it: the Prego. Alright, it's been coined just now, by me, for the purposes of this blog. But I think it'll catch on. And if it ever enters the Oxford English dictionary, below the definition should be this quote from a well known PR exec:

“PR should be run like repertory theatre. When the curtain is down everyone should muck in and get their hands dirty….when the curtain goes up the team adopt their roles and play to the audience”.

I'll say it again. Bollocks.

Many agencies now offer something called a check-up before they start work for a client. But the acid test of a PR is whether they can say, "Everything's fine, we'll be off then." No real egomanical consultant can. Instead they will sell you a project that costs just enough to keep your profits suppressed to a level that requires further remedial consultancy.

Genius.

The bollocks begins

There's an old saying that goes: "Behind every successful company is good PR." Perhaps more accurate is to say that behind every company there are four or five PR execs swanning around, drinking champagne at parties and billing it back as 'sustenance'.

For any novices amongst you, PR is all about communication. In fact, PR people love to communicate so much that they've invented a brand new language. For PRs, its vital for the envelope to be pushed out of the box and through the window of opportunity. Customers should first become stakeholders and then delighted beyond their expectations. In order to do this, top PRs will go forward the extra mile while wearing the shoes of the customer. And remember, the customer is king (unless she is a woman).

Bollocks.