It's crackers

The rumour mill tells me that when loveable PR rogue Chris Lewis used to do interviews (before he became too important), his favourite question was; 'if you were a biscuit, what would you be - and why?'

Now, clearly, on being asked this, most candidates would decide that the interview had turned out to be a complete waste of time, and seek alternative employment forthwith. The right and proper response is obviously; "A biscuit? A fucking biscuit? Not only have I trekked all the way across town to your not-very-conveniently located offices for this, I actually spent time preparing for the interview. I can tell you how I'd increase my clients' sales ten-fold through the power of PR. I can tell you how I influence the media with my razor sharp written pitches. But a biscuit? Chris, you lazy sod, think of some proper questions or stop wasting my time."

But Chris, if you're interested (and I bet you are), this PR person has put some time and effort (but not much, admittedly) into answering your question. Please find below, Chris, a guide to potential employees based on biscuit related analogies. Chris, me old mucker - the job's mine. Isn't it? Chris? Chriiiiis?

PR By Biscuit

Pink Wafer - Likely to champion an HR initiative. Avoid.
Jammy Dodger - Bit of a rum un. More slimey than persuasive. An excellent choice.
Any cookie - Liable to be interested in 'brain storming' and 'bluesky thinking'. Worst fear: boxes. Particularly being inside them.
Hob Nob - Excellent at networking (see what I did there?)
Malted Milk - Not much going on, personality wise.
A twix - Ideas above their station. It's a chocolate bar, not a bloody biscuit.

PR..ostitutes

I can't claim the credit for writing this, nor do I necessarily agree with the sentiment. But worth sharing nonetheless

Working in the PR industry. Notice the similarity between this, and the world's oldest profession?

1. Our 'customers' are called clients
2. We work in weird shifts.
3. They pay you to make the client happy
4. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny
5. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams
6. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in
the same industry as you
7. When you meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed
8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things
from you
10. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties in explaining it
11. Everyday when you wake up, you say: I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST
OF MY LIFE DOING THIS"

Menage a journo

It looks as though my comments about the PR big three - embarking on intimate relations with a journalist, a client and a colleague - have taken the PR world by storm (well, two people, at the very least, have mentioned it to me over the last week).

This flurry of activity should, being an on-the-ball industry blogger, inspire me to open a debate into the ethics of these relations. I might ask: is it acceptable to ask a journalist to cover your story having embarked on out of hours activities with him/her? (the story being your client -- not the sex). If so, how soon after the event is it acceptable to pitch the client? (I once came across a PR, who after going home with a journalist, pulled a notebook and pen from her bag with the intention of booking some time for an interview with her client. It worked).

Instead, here are the fruits of my labour and the outcome of the pub-based discussions I've had - PR TOP TRUMPS. For each completed general manoeuvre, you earn yourself 10 points. The rest is scored based on gossip-worthiness.

The first person to reach 100 points wins a new client.

PR TOP TRUMPS

General manoeuvres

1. Relationships with a journalist - 10 points, and 5 points for each piece of coverage achieved thereafter
2. Relationships with an analyst - 10 initial points, and an extra point for each industry report you receive free of charge

3. Relationships with a colleague - 10 initial points, and an extra point earned for the colleague being your boss
4. Relationships with an industry association - impossible to achieve. They're locked away in conference rooms (often in Hannover or Amsterdam) and never come out to play

Specialist manoeuvres - to be attempted only by experts

1. Relations with a competitor - 50 points, and 10 points thereafter for every new business lead stolen
2. Blogger relations - 100 extra points for the blogger being the anonymous kind (TWL, watch out)

Inter-agency relations

I've heard a lot of industry chat recently about PR agencies teaming up to share leads, compare contacts and generally help one another out in a display of old fashioned chivalry.

I'm in two minds about this, as surely half the fun of PR is the backstabbing and bitchery. After all, we all love to hate the biggest agencies like Lewis (sorry, but SpinBunny started it, so I'm just continuing a theme). But good PR is really all about contacts, and people move from agency to agency all the time, so burning bridges (like I just did with my Lewis comment) has got to be a bad thing.

Contacts at other agencies can really help. They can pull a journo contact out of the bag to fill that last minute slot at a press conference, for a start. They can also help with a new job should the time come. The most successful trend by far, though, is the inter-agency journo drinks. A lot of that went on at the recent 3GSM conference and I think it's fair to say that a good time was had by both journalists and PRs. You also get to share the bar bill, which is great.

Proof that size does matter

I was sent this picture from an unnamed contact, under the title 'Best PR Stunt Ever'. To celebrate NTL-Telewest's first anniversary, the company set up a giant desk in Trafalgar Square, and the company's execs had what seems like a lot of fun parading around on, by and (ahem) under it. Not much to be said here. The picture says it all quite frankly. Money well spent NTL-Telewest